International No Diet Day

I Pledge:
• That I will not diet for one day, on May 6, International No Diet Day.
• Instead of trying to change my body to fit someone else's standards, I will accept myself just as I am.
• I will feed myself if I'm hungry.
• I will feel no shame or guilt about my size or about eating.
• I will think about whether dieting has improved my health and well-being or not.
• And I will try to do at least one thing I have been putting off "until I lose weight."
• 

Dieting is something I think about a lot these days. I have a loved one with a severe eating disorder. When I see what she is going through, I want to ban diets and any thoughts of weight loss from this world. But I am conflicted, because I have fallen into the obese (or more) category on any medical chart for nearly ten years, and I have not been happy with myself. Most of the weight came on post children and post moving to the country from NYC (living here has slowed me down significantly). I have taken it for granted that I am fat and that I need to lose weight and that there is something wrong with me for not being able to lose weight. I’ve tried dieting. I’ve been on weight watchers. I’ve counted calories. I lose weight, and then I gain it all back plus more. While dieting, I become obsessed with food and numbers. Thankfully I recognized that tendency in myself and was able to stop each time without it turning into a disorder. I will never do weight watchers or count calories again, because I see how close that mindset is to the mindset of someone with an eating disorder. Some people can do these things without it getting out of hand, but I feel like I’m at risk.
It’s quite possible I would never have started my steady rise upward on the scale if I had never started in the beginning. I really have no idea. And I don’t really know what to do about it now. Perhaps taking for granted that where I am now isn’t healthy is what needs to change. I eat well. I am relatively active. I get clean bills of health from the doctor. Why not learn to be happy where I am and stop letting worrying about my weight affect my life?
The last line in the International No Diet Day pledge struck a chord with me. What have I been putting off until I lose weight? I never thought that through before, but I realize I’ve been putting off a lot. I have put off seeing myself as beautiful. I shrink from certain things because I am afraid of how people will see me. I see myself as worth less. I give up on doing things that are good and healthy for me because I think “what’s the point”? These are big things, and I need to work through them.
One smaller thing I have put off is taking a full-body self-portrait of myself. It’s can be hard to see myself that way, and because most of the people who see my photography are friends I’ve made or reacquainted myself with through the internet, I’ve deluded myself into thinking I can present a different and better side of myself by hiding certain things.  So I decided the full-body portrait was how I would honor the last line of the INDD pledge. I took my camera to a local orchard where I knew I would have some privacy and gave myself what I am coming to look at as a gift. I know I’m off in the distance here, but it’s a big start toward presenting myself as I am. I hope this is the beginning of my loving myself more and showing myself more respect.

What have YOU been putting off until you lose weight or until some other obstacle in your life changes? If you care to share with a photo, I’ve started a flickr group for International No Diet Day. I welcome you to join.